Building self esteem: Techniques that Help
Guest author: Leah Wyatt
Building self esteem has been a lifelong struggle for me. Whether it was my parents’ messy divorce and my father’s subsequent departure from my life at age six, my natural personality, or a combination of both, I was not a confident kid, and this persisted into adolescence.
In late high school and into college, things shifted. Academic success strengthened my sense of worth, and solid friendships with like minded peers taught me that I belonged among others. Then came graduation and “the real world.” As a 20 something adult working a stressful corporate PR job, I often fought against the dreaded “imposter syndrome.*” One specific, self sabotaging example comes to mind. Rather than pursuing a lateral shift to the content team at my agency, I remained on a team doing work I was much less interested in, because it was comfortable and I felt that despite loving to write and edit, I wasn’t smart or creative enough to make the switch.
Eventually leaving the PR world to pursue other projects helped me develop a sense of self apart from my career path, which has been beneficial. I’ve also become better at sitting with fear and anxiety, and trying things even if they are uncomfortable. Now that I’m in my mid thirties, I feel much more confident overall.
Life does have a way of throwing curveballs, though: I’ve since given birth to three babies in less than two years. Parenthood, while an incredible blessing, has deeply shaken me. My earlier efforts at building self esteem have absolutely helped me live a happier life, but parenting three young children is a challenge unlike anything I have ever faced. Many times I feel completely unequal to the job, and like an utter and absolute failure. Parenting is a total ass kicker!
Having experienced crippling bouts of low self esteem in the past, I have zero desire to let this inhibit my life anymore, or prevent me from being a supportive parent. I’ve developed some coping strategies:
Actively reaching out to others for support is a major one, and is of great value to anyone focused on building self esteem, in parenting or otherwise.
Making a habit of positive self talk has also helped.
Reflecting daily on the good things in life, even if they seem minor, have shifted my perspective over time.
Remembering that I can’t control situations, but that I can control how I react to them, helps me feel capable of handling life’s challenges, which translates to feeling like a worthy, even badass parent and human being.
Given my own childhood struggles, I want my children to develop the skill of building self esteem and maintaining strong self esteem. My lack of self confidence held me back innumerable times, and I don’t want my kids to experience that. Modeling strong self esteem feels like important work, and beyond providing an example for them, I want to give my children tools that help in building self esteem on their own.
My kids are four, two and two, which may seem young, but I want to solidify self esteem-building habits now. Giving kids choices (which might mean, for a two year old, a really simple, minor choice) helps build agency and a sense that they can meaningfully shape their own experiences.
I’ve also found it helpful to emphasize that trying your hardest and striving for good, but not perfect, is completely acceptable. My four year old daughter, like myself, is somewhat of a perfectionist and tends to melt into despair when things don’t go perfectly. I don’t want her to feel crippled when things don’t go precisely as she wants them to. I also talk a lot about strengths with my kids, highlighting specific things they’ve done well without going overboard by applauding every tiny thing. I’m hopeful that practicing these strategies will yield healthy, beneficial rewards in the long term.
Parenting sharpens our awareness of our flaws and faults, but this awareness can lead to growth. I’m hopeful that what I’ve learned about building self esteem can help my children lead happier lives.
Pictured: the owner, Mandy Barbee
*Imposter syndrome can be understood as a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and fears being exposed as a fraud