Episode 12: You Have the Answers
Synopsis
Today we break down additional takeaways and key learnings from episode 10, and listeners will receive a lens for transforming their relationship to inner struggle / challenge which can be applied immediately in the moment.
Show Notes
(Awareness & Perception: the Power of the Unconscious)
My own synthesis of last episode: I gave myself freedom to remove things, but what was there was what came out of my mouth at the time. It is what it is. That’s progress for me. It think it’s one step closer to alignment between values adn actions, even when it’s uncomfortable for me. I was committed from recording started that I would share it come what may. So there you have it.
It’s Letting in the Nuance.
It’s sometimes people take longer to process. Maybe you do too.
It’s allowing ourselves to figure out why some things work for us while others don’t.
It’s allowing us to see others’ gifts without being jealous or belittling ourselves.
It is about seeing when we fail to show gratitude for the small things, even when seeing it causes us pain.
It’s about not numbing to that, becuase selective filtration of emotion is impossible - you weed out the good too.
It’s about seeing how we can be out of alignment in one instance while we stand for those same values in another way. It’s a moment to moment discipline.
I want to break down a little bit just how deep are the impacts of analyzing the cost basis of something as if we’re a corporation, instead of experiencing how we are SAFE when we fully completely appreciate an experience. So many people feel vulnerable in appreciation. Because we’re conditioned to defend against being taken advantage of. If we’re not a shrewd negotiator, we’ll be taken for a ride. If we tip our hands about how much we appreciate something, won’t we miss out on something? Or give up too much? I want to challenge us to consider how maybe that’s just fear.
I notice my own discomfort with allowing others to be uncomfortable (getting overwhelmed by email)
I have a long history of rockclimbing. From memories bonding with my dad, to a life lived in a distant place, far from home, in the solace of myself and the quiet of the woods. I want to tell you a story of how … about how the answers are already within you. How to access what is within you, because it’s accessing YOU.
Sometimes I beat myself up, because the answers to questions have never felt simple.
In the military sometimes it felt like that moment of tunnel vision before you black out - the smaller you became, the less you stuck out, the cleaner the cut, the simpler the explanation - it helped you to survive psychologically.
So when people asked me why I climb, I never knew what to say. The answer always sounded heavy to me. Or it cast me in a light I loathed most- a light that revealed my self loathing. That made me feel like I sounded like a victim.
The real answer is that I climbed because I felt like it gave me meaning to achieve something so raw, so objective - meaning I hadn’t found within myself yet, at that time.
The simple truth is that for a time in my life I was consumed by wanting to disconnect from humanity because I had no idea how to support my own boundaries. No idea how to have peace that involved others, too.
I was a highly perceptive, over-functioning, empathetic, hyper vigilant, people pleaser for 25 years. Without boundaries, I got obliterated - I obliterated myself against the brick wall of exhaustion that was managing others’ expectations. Work no one asked me to do.
I’m sure some people probably didn’t notice that part of me, but some people used the trait to control or steer me, and never once did this habit of mine do anyone any good.
I didn’t know what creating boundaries looked like, so by the time I was 25, the periphery was starting to get darker, and everything was fading to black when it came to human connection.
My choices seemed to me: be in connection with others and sacrifice myself, or disconnect completely. And I literally had dreams about the latter.
Being alone was the only way I knew how to get peace. Achievement was a sickly replacement for feeling worthy. Maybe you can see, climbing was a path that allowed me to do both.
What lit my way there was a deep impression on my senses that happened in Montana when I was 20 / 19. An unforgettable week on Whitefish Lake.
It was crystalline quiet, the water and the blue snow soaking up all the sound of short days. Insulated from population and traffic. Drenched in the pristine quiet of nature. Ice cold rooms and blue light, all times of day. Crackling fire in the hearth. The most winter clothing I owned was a pair of wool socks. I was spellbound. I thought of it like a vacation. Just visiting another place on earth. Not realizing that some day the itch to travel would subside, and the coals of reward from checking off places on maps would also cool, leaving only real human needs yearning to be met. Needs for safety, needs for beauty, needs for peace.
IN GA
7 years later as I ended my relationship with the military, and turned my face toward a new life, only to discover I had no bearings for what that would be, no compass, only certain doors that had closed, and some doors I was trying to pry open.
It was then in that vectorless year that I was having dreams about Montana.
Days I woke up really happy, without remembering the night before. Going about my day with a lighter step, and a pleasant hopeful feeling so subtle it didn’t occur to me to try to remember what was causing it - it was just a part of my background.
Happy because I had dreamed of being in Montana, and unconsciously thought it was real well into the day.
When I “remembered” later, or realized it had only been a dream, and my mood was a result of that dream, I became disoriented. There was one day fully waking up to this dream around 4pm was so disruptive that it brought me to tears. Confused but resigned that that life wasn’t an option to me, I let my mom know what was wrong. It looked nonsensical. Ditch everything and get a job in Montana? It wasn’t realistic. It was capricious. I had no context for doing such a thing.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but - my subconscious was screaming at me.
My subconscious was telling me what I needed to heal. The power of accessing your subc.
It will try to break out to comm. With you.
It often uses pain.
My mom looked at me and said, “Mandy, if you feel that way, maybe you should just go.”
At the time, that was the permission I needed.
I started making cold calls to waste facilities, personal acquaintances, family owned and operated businesses alike.
After a year of job hunting, it’s like my life changed tracks as easily as if it had a railroad switch. Just when conversations were warming with a company in Great Falls, a job presented itself in Portland that was as good as gift wrapped for me. I got the job, and I took it.
Portland seemed to have much in common with Montana, with its earthiness, and the urban proximity to nature. And the mountains...
I pulled into town Thursday night after driving 4 days across country, and on Saturday morning I walked downtown to buy a rain coat and a hiking book.