Episode 1: Pain Alchemy
Show Notes
Hey journeyers! Today I want to dive right into contrast with episode 0, both in content and style. This is going to be a lot more stream of consciousness than curation because I have a tendency to overwork things, hah!
I want to share a bit of my personal history for a couple reasons right up front. It’s obviously relevant to my life path and purpose, and I think it could be surprisingly relatable and familiar to many people listening. It could feel relevant for anyone else who’s grappled with shame, flagging confidence, self doubt, anxiety, depression, etc. And I do want to say right up front that there is mention of my own struggle with mental health, including thoughts of suicide.
I ask myself, how am I different from that 12 year old. Because if I were behaving like she did that moment on the beach consistently, I think my life path would have been much smoother.
This vivid memory feels like a hologram of my personal power, clarity, and self trust at a young age. It was an absolute good. Me at my finest. But Whenever I remember it today, my mind compares the memory to harder times…
The crucial part of that story TO ME is the difference between acting in a self sacrificing way, or acting from a place of trust. And in time we are going to break down in detail why that happens and what to do about it.
I believe it’s true: emergencies can create clarity in our mind. If someone’s life is on the line, we might find ourselves less likely to obsess over options, stall out in indecision, or to weigh the options. Situations can create clarity.
But what happens if they don’t?
That’s what I want to talk to you about today. Let’s breathe together, and I’ll tell you a different kind of story.
This was the day that should have been one of the happiest. The job was in the bag.
I was wearing these tiny little heels, I was in a trim black suit, and the best shape of my life.
I spent the day with my prospective team as their guest at Seattle New Space Conference.
I was being welcomed, like the warmest rite of passage before they offered me the job, and as I took an inventory of my day, objectively it had gone well. But I was in a very dark place.
I was perfectly qualified for the job, Like the job had been made for me. But all I could feel was heavy sadness, foggy confusion, and an anxious electric feeling I was used to.
I’d been managing depression and anxiety for more than 15 years, but I didn’t realize how sick I was until that day. The contrast of all that I wanted coming into being brought the pain into view and into words for the first time.
My best friend came when I called
I watched my words scare her.
It was a simple truth - I didn’t know if I wanted to live any longer.
Because I couldn’t be happy despite everything good in my life, I felt like a failure. I felt isolated, disconnected, despairing. I was being crushed by the weight of managing other perceptions of me.
What scared her most was how unemotional I was about it. It was just where I had landed after hurting for so long. It’s like I was on a train and realizing that I needed to signal for the attendant for the first time in my life. But when everything looks okay from the outside, sometimes you don’t know how. It’s really hard to see.
My own takeaway was: No one gets to have their own healing modeled for them. I’ll repeat that now. No one gets to have their own healing modeled for them. Every single one of us is out on our own limb, forging never-before charted territory.
If I put myself on that beach today, with the 4 year old, I don’t think things would be any different. I wouldn’t change a thing!
But if I put myself back into my teens, my 20’s, my early 30’s – there’s a lot I might change. all the potential and real harm I incurred. It’s easier to see that when you get on the other side of healing. But I didn’t know how to break the cycle.
I tell this story because I firmly believe that many people listening are just like me. Sacrificing self. Perhaps finding yourself in unhealthy situations – even of your own making, losing a sense of safety gradually over time, from erosive personal choices. It’s the reason I feel like THIS part of my personal history was so crucial to share early on.
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What do I see? There are not a lot of people talking about HEALING anxiety.
Right now in the world, all you see are options to manage it, or medicate it. That’s not a very hopeful scenario.
In a world full of suggestions for managing something, I ended up having serious & consistent thoughts of pulling the rip cord on life as I knew it. Even though it was a GREAT LIFE. And that made me feel even worse about myself.
Part of what I want to share with you, and something that we’re going to dig deeply into over time, is the simple truth that anxiousness and even recurring sadness or down feelings are in so many cases just another emotion. Emotions want to be heard, understood, acknowledged, and RELEASED. And when you really boil it down to the lowest common denominator, every way to release emotion finds you working in the seat of emotion, in the state of consciousness that emotions reside in: in the subconscious / unconscious mind.
Let’s step back a second. How about another deep breath.
In Episode 0: why did I say, ”but that’s not brave”? I was talking about running into the water if I had expected to get dashed on the rocks: My words were: “taking action despite anticipation of disaster or ruin.” This is the whole point. What might the parallel be for you right now in your life today?
Saving others, but not saving ourselves.
Risking yourself, but not being able to jump in for yourself.
Continuing to plow forward despite all the alarm bells going off in your head.
Ignoring your own needs.
Comfort with pain.
What does it mean, to make our pain matter?
To me, that means it’s not about managing it, it’s about healing your triggers
Do you see how putting yourself at risk in a clear, and sure, and present way for some greater good is different than day after day, making your own difficulty, feelings or needs not matter, sacrificing yourself to your detriment. There’s no safety, value, OR bravery in that.
Have you ever found yourself doing this and wondered why? Maybe you’re a person who doesn’t minimize or trivialize their own needs. But people you love do. For those of us who tend this way, I want to acknowledge right this minute that there’s a very logical and understandable reasons that you do and I did too, and I’ll share more about that soon.
If you’re curious about why and what to do about it. Tune in next episode,where I’ll be breaking that down among other concepts.
Key takeaways: everybody has pain. Even those who pretend they don’t are often burying it. Pain is one of the experiences people find the most shame in, and therefore have a lot of difficulty talking about it openly. This podcast is a safe haven for the complete spectrum of the human emotional experience.
I also how you can clearly see how detrimental it is to put your own needs second to anyone’s on an ongoing basis. Are you someone who things it’s necessary or even good to put your own needs behind others? Be sure to tune in next week.