Episode 14: Inner Identity and Self Trust

Synopsis

What do I mean by inner identity? Outwardly there are a lot of ways we can understand ourselves, and those identities help others to know us, and us to know ourselves. But the inner ways we identify are also very important. Knowing these unique personal signatures allow us to express ourselves clearly, to make decisions easily, and to simplify complex situations. When we understand who we are, it helps us to connect with community cross-sectionally, not just vertically. In this episode, I share a bit about my own identity values, how I live those out, and explicitly break down how this relates to cultivating self trust. By the end of the show the listener also walks away with a 3-step process for increasing self trust and coming into greater alignment with their own values.

Show Notes

Is there a value you live out better than anyone you know?  

If I tell you mine, will you suspend disbelief long enough for me to share with you why I’m sharing this with you in the first place?  

The other day someone shared a meme with me:  

Something along the lines of:

A rich person doesn’t tell you how much money they have.

A smart person doesn’t tell you how intelligent they are.

A trustworthy person doesn’t tell you how truthful they are - only liars do that.

I was kind of like, yea, yea yea, all the way down until I got to the last line.  

Then my eyebrows scrunched, and my mouth and nose kind of torqued sideways, and I felt my head shake to one side real quick.  

I don’t resonate with this at all! 

There are many noble traits a person can have.  Many kinds of virtues.  But I don’t believe that virtues are born.  Goodness is innate, for sure.  But virtues are practiced.  

This is so relevant when it comes to trust.  

There are a few reasons I want to talk about this today - 

One is that we have a sickness in our society, and one that you might personally experience.  A sickness of people divorced from trust in themselves.  It has all sorts of symptoms, and side effects, and it poisons everything we try to enjoy.  This meme is ironic to me because it shows how distrustful we are of even speaking about something so important.  

I talk about trust openly for 3 reasons, and in this episode, my hope is to inspire and empower you to do the same, and to potentially give you some reasons to quiet the argument in your mind that might arise when YOU see memes like this above.  Because obviously it’s a very multi-faceted things.  Today on a phone call I was having with a colleague I deeply admire and respect named Barry Brownstein, author and educator at the intersection of economics and spirituality, I shared with him this very episode as it was in a rough idea format at the time of our call - and his response was, and I quote:  utlimately we are anxious because we put too much belief in our self concept.  Mic drop, Barry!!  And at another point, he said “no one’s self concept can be trusted”...  I got a hearty laugh when he said this because in a way, he shot down my entire premise in 7 words!  But in another way, I realize that I am talking about the true self essence that is behind our self concepts or egos.  So enjoy what fits and discard what you loathe - these are my thoughts.  

If we’re not talking about trust, it’s like ignoring the elephant in the room.  Rote rules like, if you say you are then you’re not are another way people aren’t actively using their own discernment to make decisions moment to moment.  It also reinforces a feeling of being right at the expense of a broader conversation that matters.  

This type of assertion doesn’t acknowledge trust is given, and it can be taken back whenever you want.  It must be earned and practiced, and it must be tried through communication and willingness to go into conflict if necessary.

When we make trust something wrong to talk about reinforces difficulty bringing questions and issues to light.  Any time something must be “assumed”, or is brushed past because it’s not socially acceptable to talk about, that something then becomes a vehicle for bypassing, and creates a potential for it to be a tool of manipulation.  

Feeling discomfort because someone values trust so much they’ll talk about it, is one way we might deny ourselves access to our personal power. 

In regards to that question, is there a value you live out better than most?  A value you value most?  

I’ll tell you mine.  You guessed it.  Trust is the trait I value most in myself.  It is the place where I hold myself most deeply accountable - to a definition that is stringent and absolute:  treat others’ affairs as you do your own.  No exceptions.  Because it is one of my deepest values, if I am out of alignment with it, I wound myself.  

Perhaps this is painting a certain picture of how I make decisions and take action.  You would be right to assume I either move slower, or take it on the chin more than I give it on the chin in the process.  I do this because I’m not willing to risk others’ needs - no matter how small - for my desire for speed.  This is what living a peaceful life means to me.  This is why no gain is worth sacrificing this value for.  Because injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.  You want a peaceful life - live PEACEFULLY.  You want to be at peace?  Act in accordance with your values.  And own it when you falter.

I choose this path repeatedly in order to say yes to my purpose.

My literal purpose is to help people trust themselves.  

But I have a question for you - are any of our purposes so different from this?  

Another reason I want to share this with you:  Self trust is worth its weight in gold.  Self trust also unlocks peace in a different way from being trusted.  

Part of the reason this happens is because of bullshit conditioning and layers of flawed beliefs we’ve accepted at subconscious levels over time.  And yea I help people with this piece directly.  

But the other reason is?  Scarcity in action:  How you show up, when you perceive that your needs compete with another’s.  

How you behave in that moment - whether or not they ever know, whether or not it was ever their business in the first place - that is how much you are trustworthy, and is directly proportional to how much you will be able to trust yourself.  How much you value others needs compared to your own CAPS how deeply you can trust yourself.  

There are endless fields of play that we can express trust or betray trust upon.  I spent about 15 years of my life with a conscious daily focus on conditioning myself internally to be present for others in this way, at personal cost.  That ability was not easily won, and I became expert at putting myself second.  It’s fluency at discipline not love.  Do you see how this can be?  It is not without value, but it is a not the most optimal behavior pattern that is possible for us.  

I believe it’s important to claim our areas of mastery so that they can be of use to others, and most people don’t focus in the same way on this trait that I have and do.   Whatever pattern you have driven until the wheels fall off, you have mastery in.  There was a time I subjected myself to years of loneliness to rid myself of unhealthy dependence.  Decades when I consciously subjected myself to pain to rid myself of reliance on comfort.  Trust is not only an area of dedicated practice, but it’s actually a part of my identity - and I believe it’s part of yours too.

These are the reasons why there’s not any part of me that feels shame or hesitation to speak this trait out loud.  

Here’s the three step, wash and repeat process I want to share with you today for improving self trust.  IE, ridding yourself of doubt, and stepping into clarity and self trust:  

Clear your perception.  

Discipline choice.  

Be humble and vulnerable.  

I’m just going to touch on these here:

Clear your perspective.  There always exists a perspective where our needs don’t compete.  If you’re not there, you’re not in choice.  Getting to this high ground fills 90% of the would-be potholes right out the gate.  We have to fight to see that picture.  And we won’t always get it right, but fighting to find it will also give us a roadmap for what parts of ourselves need healing to experience actual fulfillment proportionately > than our consumption.

Discipline your choices.  Choosing to prioritize others needs on par with your own.  Remembering why you’re doing this, and then coming to the work over and over and over.  Choice also involves clearing the scarcity conditioning which prevents us from connecting with our higher desires.  When we do this repeatedly, the temptation to benefit self at the expense of others just lessens over time, until it is virtually non-existent.

Humility and Vulnerability.  This the rinse and repeat part.  When we reflex to old conditioning, do we value protecting our image, or appearances, over merging back into our values?  Willingness to show up with humility when we have made an error cannot be stovepiped into personal life only, but must be expressed professionally as well.  With employees, with clients, with the public.  Without shame and self-centering, but with vulnerability and self acceptance.  

Another reason why I wanted to share all this with you today.  

I believe that if you’re listening to this, you probably have the same deeper value, and might sacrifice yourself needlessly sometimes in order to attempt to meet others’ needs.  This is the wounded aspect of having trust as a deep value.  And I’m going to devote a whole episode to exploring the shadow side of showing up in the world with shameless trust, self trust, and trustworthiness.  

Stay tuned and share this episode via the hot link bit.ly/cicada 014 , and message through my site if you need support:  palladiummind.com/contact

In the mean time, think back to that question that I led with:  Is there a value that YOU live out better than most?  If nothing obvious comes to mind, think about the behavior that someone nearest to you does that most rubs you the wrong way then flip it.  Example:  incomplete expression of loyalty is something that was really hard for a long time for me to reckon with.  I was too demanding with those close to me - too rigid - too unforgiving when it came to my own definition of loyalty and what that looks like when lived out.  

If you can identify the value you cherish most, you’ll see it acts like a laser pointer at the area where you need to forgive yourself more and create more space and grace in your relationships, and thereby, in your life.  I hope you’ll be patient with yourself as you explore this!