Episode 6: Accessing Inner Authority vs. Looking Externally
Synopsis
In this episode we talk about the way technology has changed human interactions, with a special focus on how to be heard and communicate in an authentic, effective and comfortable way that's in congruence with your personal power: tapping into your internal authority instead of looking externally.
Show Notes
Thanks for joining me today, I’m excited to be recording right now. I want to share some inner work of discernment I was doing the other day and some of the fruit that came from that.
My opening inquiry for you is, Have you noticed how much “Social” media has been overrun by advertisements? Not even paid ads, but also just in-feed content!
There’s an interesting push pull about this for me, that I suspect might exist for you too. Since I own a business, there’s a natural, even intellectual interest I have in neutral comparison / inspiration when I see businesses doing their thing. But simultaneously it feels like a lot of talk about pain points. Anyway,
I can sometimes internalize judgment just like anyone else, I can actually be a little hard on myself about my own ability to create prolifically, or the apparent consistency of sharing. And a question that came up repeatedly for recently was:
“Mandy, how will people hear you amid all this noise if you don’t speak louder, or more often?”
Is there a time or a way that you ask yourself the same question? If you can relate to the question, it will make the rest of this episode way more interesting.
For reference, other business owners I know struggle with some version of this question at times.
Experts often advise: “You have to be consistent in business.” I hear them, but I don’t completely agree, and because I was beating myself up with the question, coming to this conclusion was very helpful for me. My perspective?
I think it depends what your goal is, and this is where I want to take our conversation today.
There’s an implicit and sometimes explicit pressure to be everywhere all the time - if you want to be seen or heard at all. Well beyond small businesses, I think it applies to us as individuals too. And the other morning, I when I was hearing the question in my mind again “ how will people hear you if you don’t speak louder, or more often?”, challenging myself with why I wasn’t more consistent or regular in my outward communication, aninsight came:
Sometimes our power lies in what we DON’T say.
It’s not speculation that technology offers both opportunity to and pressure to be “transparent” and “accessible”. Traits of likeability, knowability, and trustability have become in many ways, commoditized.
Like you probably, I enjoy people, and I like to be entertained. I like seeing people’s personalities, their light - having interactions and a feeling of access, and I trust many people in the world have wonderful intentions.
What I’m pointing out is like the emperor in just his boxers: There are mixed incentives going on here: Most people feel pressure to be likeable in order to survive, and to make themselves accessible and omni-present to carve out a living.
Do you notice this same pressure as well? Not necessarily even about people you observe, but for yourself? I think it’s very widely experienced! But not so often do we find or make opportunity to discuss it.
“How will I be heard if I’m not everywhere?” seems like an unavoidable question to ask yourself. The question generates the pressure – as if the mechanics of being heard are all directly and positively correlated to volume and quantity.
Through this question of “How will I be seen me if I’m not constantly making myself visible,” I see invalidation of all but the most literal, loud, and frequent means of communication.
This question belies a strong preference for what’s tangible; it reveals values of consumption and acquisition; it assumes scarcity. That’s out of alignment for many, and not surprisingly is creating a great deal of stress, anxiety, fear and unhappiness by propping up misperceived inadequacies.
This dynamic sees people running themselves into the ground – with no preference for the stay-at-home parent, the young kid with his first cell phone, or the CEO of a major corporation: this cultural / technological dynamic is rooted in the expectation that “authenticity” must be constantly shown or said: that nothing can be trusted but what is overtly stated, shown, or proven. It’s a setup for exhaustion, and is impossible to win at!
Intention is everything. If a deep, natural desire to express is being thwarted or corked by insecurities, that’s another issue. I know that’s a real problem for many, and may be what you are currently navigating right now. What I’m talking about is a pressure which can be experienced concurrently OR independently from personal insecurities: this pressure based in scarcity to constantly be “On” to be valid.
I help people unhook this compulsion and take their power back. I can share an example with you if you’d like.
One gentleman, husband and father of two boys was in his mid-50’s. He was the owner of a local trade business in the greater Seattle area that saw annual revenues in the mid-seven figures. I’ll call him Charles.
Charles and I met because his wife found me online, and chose me to help him. Charles had never had any kind of therapy before. It was the first time he and his wife were seeking assistance for him around this issue, ever. This is not unusual.
Charles’ leading issue was anxiety. The business that supported the life he had worked to hard to create was now included the stress of supporting more than 80 employees’ livelihoods. Although he was clear that his family was his #1 priority, his way of relating to the increasing demands of his work was making it impossible for him to be the dad that he wanted to his teenage boys.
He was a natural doer, and a people person too – he didn’t want to let others down, and found it hard to say no, but by this point in his career, that was a skill he needed to master quickly if he wanted to have peace of mind. He felt pressure to be everywhere at all times, which is not uncommon for entrepreneurs:
Even though he wasn’t the kind of person who looked to others for approval there was it didn’t prevent him from feeling overwhelmed by the obligations he continued to make.
This was our starting point. He could clearly see what needed to change - but he hadn’t had success using willpower and strategy alone.
In 5 weeks, I helped Charles shift the power dynamic from external authority to internal. Co-creating this shift is where my process, tools, purpose, and passion overlap. Our focus was on accessing the inner confidence and self trust to know when he needed to step away from work, and growing the inner security to hit that “off switch” at the right times instead of being available 24/7. At this point, desired changes in his automatic reactions became effortless.
Making these changes relieved his acute and severe anxiety, and created substantial changes in how he self-appraised his own performance on the job, but more importantly improved his most valued personal relationships: with his wife and kids.
This man’s direct experience may not be yours–
but when or if you are unsure of how to communicate, yet plow forward in volume, speed, and quantity, self-inflicted pain results. It’s a big way people make themselves anxious.
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I am making a case right now for all that matters but is not so verbal or literal. If you’re suffering with ANY type of psychological, emotional, or mental malady, you already know:
The intangible is significant. The intangible matters.
And there are so many valid ways to communicate.
Intangible problems are actually the most significant to address for anyone who otherwise has their basic needs met, because these intangible problems have the ability to undermine every tangible gain we create.
Until we understand this, we resource the wrong problem. There are so many examples I can share with you of this happening, but this specific gap between expectation and reality, and assumption and reality, is one way that the intangible being undervalued is really gunking up the works.
We cannot make others listen. Sometimes power is expressed by choosing silence.
When people tell me “People won’t hear you if you don’t X, Y, or Z, Mandy. You won’t have a successful business unless you X, Y, or Z…” what I hear is an incomplete (limited) conclusion, that’s also misaligned with my values.
This pressure to create “more noise than anyone else” in order to be heard, or to matter – or even to exist, in a way – is so harmful. It’s what I work to help others heal.
We express our values far more with our actions than with our words. Do you know exactly what your real values are?
You express your values by how you fill your time, by how you spend your money, by the grudges you hold and the forgiveness you give, whether or not anyone ever hears you say the words. What values are you expressing nonverbally / indirectly?
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I sometimes have to remind myself, that there are a lot of ways to communicate, and it helps to remind myself that other people know that, too.
There’s not only one way. You are worthy of rest. You are worthy of being seen, heard, and listened to - no matter how softly you speak, or how infrequently. Until next time, take care.